16 Dresses

Tomorrow is the night of the big holiday party at my former employer.  I spent twelve years there but actually attended a total of sixteen holiday celebrations, the first in December 1998 before I even started at the company in January 1999 (that was quite an introduction, as the parties were still pretty wild back then!), the thirteenth in December 2010 when I gave my farewell speech, and the last three when I attended as a still-shareholder, not to mention spouse of the founder.  So, that’s sixteen parties and sixteen dresses.  I was trying to list them and easily came up with vivid memories of ten of them.  Most were not extravagant price-wise, but it was always fun to figure out what to wear and I often purchased the dresses months in advance, ideally while shopping in different cities I happened to be visiting. 

Anyway, the point is that this year I’m not going.  As some of you know, it is a season of transitions for me; my marriage is ending and my younger son started college in Los Angeles.  I will be moving to a new home in January, and I’m in the process of redefining and expanding my work.  

I saw a quote recently that really resonated, from the writer Geoffrey Wolff:  “We change, but always at a cost; to win this you lose that.”  I used it as part of my email signature for a while but then switched it out again because I thought it might be perceived as sort of negative advertising for me, a health and wellness coach who’s pretty much always encouraging positive change for her clients!

But actually, it’s the truth.  The choices we make, our habits and practices, our relationships – all are complicated mixes of costs and benefits that are in total giving us net positive results – physically, intellectually, emotionally, financially, spiritually…  These are complicated calculations, made somewhere along the spectrum of automatic/unconscious to fully mindful/conscious.  And we decide to make a change when for some reason or reasons – initiated externally or internally and out of or in our control – the net result tips negative.  That’s when the desire to change is born, or grows stronger, or overwhelms us.  But it still doesn’t mean that we are 100% certain, or that the situation is suddenly all bad, or that we won’t have doubts or regrets or despair as we move forward.  It’s OK, and appropriate and necessary, to grieve what we’re leaving as we move toward and arrive in a new place. 

My current email signature includes this from Kierkegaard:  “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”*  I am opening my mind and heart to that dizzy anxiety of freedom while leaning on the friends and family who support me, and maintaining the habits and practices that feed and energize me.  I am trying to be patient and compassionate with myself, and I continue to cherish the privilege of supporting clients and others in my life as they explore and experiment with the important changes in their lives too. 

 

*Thanks to Gretchen Rubin for sharing wonderful inspirations at http://www.gretchenrubin.com/daily-quotes/