16 Dresses

Tomorrow is the night of the big holiday party at my former employer.  I spent twelve years there but actually attended a total of sixteen holiday celebrations, the first in December 1998 before I even started at the company in January 1999 (that was quite an introduction, as the parties were still pretty wild back then!), the thirteenth in December 2010 when I gave my farewell speech, and the last three when I attended as a still-shareholder, not to mention spouse of the founder.  So, that’s sixteen parties and sixteen dresses.  I was trying to list them and easily came up with vivid memories of ten of them.  Most were not extravagant price-wise, but it was always fun to figure out what to wear and I often purchased the dresses months in advance, ideally while shopping in different cities I happened to be visiting. 

Anyway, the point is that this year I’m not going.  As some of you know, it is a season of transitions for me; my marriage is ending and my younger son started college in Los Angeles.  I will be moving to a new home in January, and I’m in the process of redefining and expanding my work.  

I saw a quote recently that really resonated, from the writer Geoffrey Wolff:  “We change, but always at a cost; to win this you lose that.”  I used it as part of my email signature for a while but then switched it out again because I thought it might be perceived as sort of negative advertising for me, a health and wellness coach who’s pretty much always encouraging positive change for her clients!

But actually, it’s the truth.  The choices we make, our habits and practices, our relationships – all are complicated mixes of costs and benefits that are in total giving us net positive results – physically, intellectually, emotionally, financially, spiritually…  These are complicated calculations, made somewhere along the spectrum of automatic/unconscious to fully mindful/conscious.  And we decide to make a change when for some reason or reasons – initiated externally or internally and out of or in our control – the net result tips negative.  That’s when the desire to change is born, or grows stronger, or overwhelms us.  But it still doesn’t mean that we are 100% certain, or that the situation is suddenly all bad, or that we won’t have doubts or regrets or despair as we move forward.  It’s OK, and appropriate and necessary, to grieve what we’re leaving as we move toward and arrive in a new place. 

My current email signature includes this from Kierkegaard:  “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”*  I am opening my mind and heart to that dizzy anxiety of freedom while leaning on the friends and family who support me, and maintaining the habits and practices that feed and energize me.  I am trying to be patient and compassionate with myself, and I continue to cherish the privilege of supporting clients and others in my life as they explore and experiment with the important changes in their lives too. 

 

*Thanks to Gretchen Rubin for sharing wonderful inspirations at http://www.gretchenrubin.com/daily-quotes/

Unexpected Vices

On my way to yoga today I was listening to Marketplace Weekend on NPR, and the guest speaker was talking about vices.  Listeners had called in or written to describe their weaknesses for Starbucks, shopping, or reality TV.  No surprises there, but then just as I was pulling into the parking lot, the guest said that she’d concluded that there are two very important vices that we often overlook, but that deserve attention because they are extremely costly – at the individual level and also for the economy as a whole.  The two are Procrastination and Not Asking for Help.  It was one of those public radio sit-in-the-car-and-listen moments for me as I considered her comments.  First the guest quoted some extremely huge dollar amount that is the value of the productivity we lose to Procrastination, and then she used an example of being lost but refusing to ask for directions to illustrate the cost of Not Asking for Help. 

I started thinking about Procrastination and Not Asking for Help in the realm of health and self-care, where I believe there can be both physical and psychological costs associated with these vices… and by the way, I don’t like the moralistic tone of the word “vice” in this context.  As a health coach I’d rather help clients see that these behaviors are less-than-optimal choices for them that cause problems both short- and long-term.  The way we care for ourselves today affects our energy, productivity, and mood today, and affects our ability to stave off disease and avoid chronic conditions tomorrow and beyond, as well.  (For more on this topic, check out the excellent new book, Eat Move Sleep, by Tom Rath).   

The holidays are approaching, and if you’re like me, you’re starting to think about menu planning, travel arrangements, and gift ideas.  And you may be feeling a little stressed, especially if you feel you’re getting a late start due to… Procrastination!  I am definitely behind in terms of setting up the annual ski trip that my college-aged sons & I enjoy over New Year’s.  I am also preparing for a move to a new home in mid-January, though the good news is that I realize that the boys can help me out a lot while they’re here on winter break, making decisions about what to keep and what to sell or give away – I will definitely NOT hesitate to Ask for Help! 

Another aspect of the holidays that causes many people stress is that they worry about eating or drinking too much… They may want to lose weight before the holidays so as to look and feel their best, and they may anticipate either resignedly or unhappily that they are likely to gain weight over the festive period, and then feel crappy as the new year rolls around.  And emotionally, the holidays are often a difficult time of year for people too, because of family issues, loneliness or other social anxieties.  “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” as the Christmas song goes, but sometimes not so much!! 

Given all of this, I’d like to encourage everyone to spend some time considering their important priorities for the holiday season.  Spend time planning for and enjoying those, and “procrastinate” on the others that can wait til later.  Ask for help where you can – it’s my experience that people generally love to be called upon to help others.  And take even better care of yourself than usual, which might include eating more mindfully, making time for yoga, another favorite exercise, or meditation.  You may do some extra wellness-oriented reading, or even consider Asking for Help from a Health Coach such as myself!  There’s no better time to invest in yourself in preparation for the holidays and to set you up for your healthiest and happiest new year ever.  Go to my website at www.FirstDayWellness.com for more information if you so desire, and maybe we can start a conversation about YOU.

 

Reunion Reflections

Today I flew to Newark en route to my 30th Princeton reunion.   On the plane I sat across from a man from the class of '57.  How did I know this?  He was wearing a black and orange blazer with little '57 emblems all over it, and an orange sweater underneath.  I can hardly wait to see what my class's "uniform" for this reunion will be - registration starts in a couple hours so I won't have to wait long!  Here are some of my classmates in our 25th reunion jacket:  

 

So during the flight I read Oprah magazine and the June issue is all about aging.  More than a dozen women aged 13 to 64 provide their reflections on aging, emphasizing the joys of their current age, no matter the number.  An essay by novelist Jane Smiley was particularly enjoyable and thought-provoking for me.  She starts by describing a train ride in the UK where the passengers all appear to be decades younger than she, and while she suspects that they regard her simply as an uninteresting older woman ready to retire, in fact her mind is "full of memories that are as real to me as the present:  I am 64, but also 40, 35, and 26."  (Why she assumes that negative judgment from her co-passengers could be a topic for another post!)

As I fetched my rental car and drove the hour or so to campus, serenaded by the local public radio jazz station, I related directly to Ms. Smiley's reflection, accessing my own memories of Princeton - at 18 and arriving for my freshman year from Fargo, ND; at 21 and graduating triumphantly; in my 40's and traveling to Princeton several times for business (staying at the iconic Nassau Inn and eating much better than I did as a student!); and of course my reunion trips - at 41 for my 20th, at 46 when I brought my sons to my 25th, and now at 51 for my 30th.  And the best part is that the memories don't just stand alone - I have more ability to see them in context, to perceive patterns and derive meaning, to have more compassion for the self that I was at all of those times and that I am now, and to joyfully anticipate reuniting with friends over the next few days.

Ms. Smiley goes on to share that a woman older than she once told her that when she turned 35, her "life would change from a river to a lake, shifting from a constant forward flow to a wider exploration."  I love that image and think that it contains great wisdom.  It made me imagine that the condition of and our experience of our lake might vary depending on our situation and present ability to deal with it.  In hard times it might feel as if our lake is suddenly full of whitecaps and we're struggling to stay afloat.  At other times we may feel that we're treading water doggedly, or perhaps floating or bobbing more lightheartedly, even blissfully.  When we are in a period of exciting transition or progress, it may feel as if we're slalom water skiing, leaning in and creating a gorgeous spray.

We are always connected to our past and anticipating our future, yet of course all we have is the present moment, which slips continually into the past.  We do well when we productively integrate our past and mindfully experience our now, opening and connecting both inwardly and outwardly.  And of course we are not alone - we profoundly affect and are profoundly affected by the people and places and situations around us all the time, too.   Everyone and everything affects our "lake" and vice versa.  Whether I am interacting with family, friends, colleagues, clients, or even people-watching as I've been doing in this funky coffee shop over the past couple of hours, I am awed and humbled to consider each one's uniquely complex history, current consciousness, and potential.  I am grateful for this moment, I am grateful for connection (it's my word for 2014 in fact – for more info, click this Gretchen Rubin link: http://tinyurl.com/jvus59o), and I can't wait to see my old roommates and friends tonight! 

Diving Back In

I’m at my mom’s in Juno Beach, Florida, for a couple days this week, and this morning we took a walk along the beautiful beach.  All bodies of water are different colors and the ocean here is an amazing blue-green, perhaps best described as aquamarine, which Wikipedia defines as a shade between green and blue and clear.  See, for example, the lovely uncut aquamarines below:    

 

Anyway, I was wearing my bathing suit and the morning sun was very warm, so I decided to take a little swim before going back inside.  Every body of water has different tides and weather and wind conditions too, and the waves today were a few feet high, breaking at an angle toward the beach, and kind of irregular.  These were not dangerous conditions by any means but I couldn’t help flashing back to my very scary swim in Mexico late last year – that’s the last time I’d actually swum in an ocean – and that particular body of water was truly not fit for swimming, as I described in my January post titled Bonus Hours.

This morning, though, I was reassured that there were quite a few people around – some fishermen nearby and other morning walkers enjoying themselves as they browsed for shells.  So in I went, cautiously and slowly, standing waist-deep waiting for one of the big waves to pass in order to swim out during the approach of the several smaller ones that followed.  And it was lovely.  I floated, swam a bit, opened my eyes underwater (beautiful aquamarine world!), and the whole time kept an eye on my colorful towel lying on the beach in order to monitor my distance and drift.  It was not a long swim but it was an important one.  And as I negotiated the waves to get back out of the water I realized that my heart was pounding hard. 

The experience made me think about how important it is to move forward from disappointing or negative experiences with a constructive and optimistic attitude, in a way that doesn’t close doors or eliminate options but rather educates and empowers us to take on similar and even bigger challenges in the future.  This can mean diving back into the waves, skiing the double-blacks with your 18 year-old, calling a client prospect just one more time, bringing up a difficult topic with a loved one vs. avoiding the conversation, taking the lead on connecting with relatives or friends or colleagues, being a proactive parent.  It means putting yourself out there and imagining bigger.   Not the most natural posture for someone who tends toward introversion, like me, but over the years I’ve decided that I prefer it to the alternative. 

Daniel Pink, in his recent book, To Sell is Human, contrasts saying Yes with saying No.  They each have benefits and drawbacks.  Saying “Yes” provides adventure, while saying “No” provides safety – both positives.  However, lots of yeses tend to lead to opening and growth (along with uncertainty), while lots of nos may lead to more control and predictability, but also a smaller personal world.

Wouldja just stand up already?

Have a seat!  Take a load off!  Relax and make yourself comfortable!  Next time someone greets you with one of these phrases, you might think to question whether they have your best interests at heart!  Many recent studies are finding that sitting and a sedentary lifestyle are associated with all sorts of problems, including decreased energy, increased fat storage, suppressed immunity, and a shorter lifespan.  The latest research, from Northwestern University, links sitting to a markedly higher likelihood of becoming disabled as you age.  Two of my fabulous clients mentioned this study to me over the past 48 hours so I figured they were worth sharing more broadly – here’s a link to the article on NPR’s health news blog called Shots:  http://tinyurl.com/k7ue5ww.

Importantly, it’s not enough to get a workout in every once in a while; this and other research have isolated hours of sitting as an independent risk factor for suboptimal functioning and serious health problems, for exercisers and non-exercisers alike.  I find it useful to think in terms of activity and movement as a separate category from exercise per se (running, yoga, tennis, circuit training, etc.), and to aim for frequent periods of activity and movement throughout your day, as well as enjoying your preferred forms of exercise as often as possible.  Standing desks and treadmill desks are all the rage (I adore my TreadDesk), but you can increase activity without fancy equipment too.  Ideas you’ve doubtless read or heard about include standing up and/or pacing when you’re on the phone, using a more distant bathroom, taking the stairs whenever possible, and parking further away from your destination.  If you can involve others by getting together for walks, having walking meetings, or even one-on-ones while doing stairs, then more power to you!  The goal is to think creatively about how you can add more activity and movement to your day, no matter how or where you’re spending it. 
 
You may decide that you want to quantify your performance and progress too.  As Jeff Hyman, CEO of Retrofit, likes to say, “You can’t manage what you can’t measure!” echoing Peter Drucker.  I’m a huge fan of and firm believer in the Fitbit and any other brand of step tracker.  I’ve decided that I love my Fitbit so much because it gives me only positive news (there’s no such thing as a negative step count) and constant encouragement with its chatter messages.  Today it was finally sunny and warm and dry enough for me to take my favorite walk up and around (and up and down some more) and eventually down Mt. Adams, and I was delighted to see that I racked up 54 flights during that hour or so – “Stepgeek” here I come! 

When my children were younger, we spent a week most summers at a Minnesota resort called Fair Hills.  This is a family-friendly and unpretentious lake resort that features evening entertainment along the lines of Bingo and Talent Night.  Tuesdays were reserved for the Hootenanny, which began with a sing-along to old favorites like The Old Gray Mare and Oh Susanna.  Amusingly (and healthfully, as it turns out!), we also sang My Bonnie, and the rule was that you had to either stand up or sit back down every time you got to a word beginning with the letter ‘b”.  Now think about the chorus:  “Bring back, bring back, oh bring back my bonnie to me, to me!”  That’s a lot of b’s and the “exercise” had everyone laughing and energized by the time the song was done.  Do it now and see for yourself – I promise you a smile and an elevated heartbeat.  And I dare you to recruit a co-conspirator to do something similar at your next meeting! 

Bonus Hours

I've been following the blog theminimalists for over three years and yesterday’s post really struck a chord for me.  Ryan Nicodemus wrote about a recent car accident he and a friend had in Seattle (http://www.theminimalists.com/crash/).  They were sideswiped on a slushy and slippery highway and both cars rolled.  Thanks to their seatbelts - and other forces beyond our understanding - they sustained only minor injuries but the experience made him even more grateful for the time he is now enjoying post-crash.  He describes this time - days, weeks, hopefully many years - as bonus hours, and I think that is so perfect.

The phrase bonus hours gave me a beautiful label for the feelings I've had twice over the past few months, after being in situations that were much more dangerous than I realized, and coming through unharmed.  First was an ocean swimming experience at Cerritos Beach in Baja Mexico last November.  I was attending a yoga fitness retreat and having a marvelous time with our hosts, instructors, and fellow guests.  The Pacific on Baja's west coast is notoriously dangerous, but this was a famous swimming and surfing beach and our group wanted to check it out.  I am an experienced and confident swimmer and went into the water twice.  The first time I enjoyed diving under and playing in the waves along with my friends who were swimming, bodysurfing, and boogie boarding.  Later several other women began surfing right in front of where we were hanging out on the beach, so when I decided to go for another swim I first walked down the beach to the left, and then went in.  I like to get out just beyond where the waves break and then float on my back, rocking up and down on the swells.  That was going well, but as soon as I decided to make my way back I saw that I'd drifted much further out than I realized - it was different than the earlier swim, and I felt fear.  I didn't know if the others in my group knew I was out there, or if they could help me if they did.  I also didn't know that the water was guiding me toward underwater rocks.  What I did know I'd learned from my dad, who'd had his own and even more life-threatening undertow experience in Florida years ago.  I focused on swimming forward with each wave as it moved toward shore, using its momentum even if I got a little crashed up in the process, and not fighting against the water between waves.  Gradually I made it to where I could touch, and I emerged even further down the beach and significantly shaken.

The second experience was driving from Chicago back to Cincinnati in early January, as the polar vortex was descending on the Midwest.  I'd brought my son Alex back to Northwestern and thank goodness we drove the 4WD Jeep Liberty and I didn't insist on driving my Mini.  I drove home on Sunday the 5th, leaving Evanston as heavy snow fell, and soon was in whiteout conditions on the unplowed highway with cars off the road and accidents everywhere.  It was truly white-knuckle driving where I dredged up any and all skills I had from growing up and learning to drive in Fargo ND.  Thanks to a Top of the Chart radio station ("All the number one songs from the 70's and 80's!") and my book on tape, I stayed alert and extremely focused for nearly seven hours without a stop - well, we all had to stop for about a half hour on 65 north of Indy while a multi-vehicle accident was cleared, but no potty or Starbucks breaks like usual.  The truth is that the exits looked so rutted and slippery that I didn't dare get off the highway. My strategy was to fall into line behind a semi or tough-looking pickup truck or big SUV going what I felt was an appropriate speed and follow in their tracks as smoothly and calmly as possible.  This didn't prevent my wheels from drifting scarily a dozen times throughout the drive, though, and each time I just took a deep breath, held on tight, stared straight ahead, eased the gas and willed the car back on track.  Past Indianapolis with maybe 100 miles to go, the roads were clearer and I finally braved a gas station stop.  As I approached Cincinnati I moved into a heavy rainstorm but that was a warm and welcome cakewalk compared to what I'd been through.

I know these situations don't compare to the hardships that so many people face every day, and I also know that I inserted myself into them - I have no one to blame but myself.  My point is that they serve as valuable reminders that each day is a gift, offering 24 more bonus hours, and so I am grateful.