My Favorite Gigs

I haven’t had a full-time work gig for quite a while now, not since I left my more-than-full-time job in marketing research at the end of 2010.  Since then, I’ve had independent contractor and part-time gigs in research and in health coaching, as well as maintaining my own private coaching practice.  These paid gigs are critical to my survival and fulfilling in many other ways too, but today I worked a couple of the unpaid gigs that give me the most satisfaction of all.  I played piano for groups of residents at two assisted living communities here in Cincinnati, one called Bridgeway Pointe that caters to men and women of all ages and the other a home for retired Franciscan sisters.  I have a third that I play for regularly too – a somewhat more upscale facility called The Kenwood that is located on a hillside overlooking downtown and that has a lovely baby grand in the music room – a huge bonus for me!  I try to schedule it so that I do the first two back-to-back on a weekday afternoon (usually Wednesday) and the other on the Saturday afternoon before or after that Wednesday.  That way I can work up a program for all three, perform it, and then have a little bit of a breather before getting serious about the next month’s program development and practice. 

 

I’ve played piano since I was a very little girl – my mom had my brother and me at the piano as soon as we were able to sit still for more than a few minutes!  And she taught us both until we were about junior-high age; then we graduated to lessons with an amazing music professor at North Dakota State University, where our dad was on the Chemistry faculty.  My brother Paul went on to become a professional musician and entertainer, still working steadily on cruise ships that go all over the world.  I went on to embrace different interests and priorities, career- and family-wise.  My piano playing ebbed and flowed over the years but mainly ebbed until those priorities shifted to allow me the time and space in my brain and heart to take it up again.  I took a year or two of classical lessons and a scant year of jazz piano lessons (such a different language!!!), and eventually an opportunity presented itself to play for one of the assisted living communities mentioned above.  The additional contacts and opportunities came through a women’s networking group a year later, and I am so grateful for them all. 

 

It makes such a difference to me to be able to practice with a goal in mind – a program to think about and plan, and people to play for.  It also is wonderful to practice at home for someone who appreciates my playing.   So, as I was driving home this afternoon after playing for the retired nuns and the Bridgeway Pointe residents, I was just glowing inside.  I felt great and I knew that I had brightened the days of about 25 wonderful people whose days aren’t always that bright.  I’ve been volunteering for four full years now, and during that time residents have come to rely on wheelchairs and oxygen tanks.  Their posture has weakened and their awareness dimmed, and sometimes, of course, they pass away.  I can be sitting in my living room practicing alone and get all teary from a piece of music – when I’m playing for my residents, I often have to pause and take a calming breath, so that I don’t break down.   

 

What keeps it light is the lack of inhibition and slight craziness of the environments in these homes – and I write that with fondness and affection.  Here is a list of what happened just today at my two performances:

1)      As usual, residents kept coming in and jostling around with their wheelchairs and aides for the first 20 minutes of our 40-minute time;

2)      One resident wore a pink hooded sweatshirt despite the heat, and then when I glanced up while playing, I noticed that while the hood was down, she was scrunching it up with her hands to cover her ears – yikes!

3)      Loud guffaws erupted from one gentleman throughout the performance, for no apparent reason

4)      Alex the therapy dog (a fluffy and friendly Bichon) and his owner entered and started walking around the room visiting audience members during the Tchaikovsky

5)      One nun fell sound asleep (love this!)

6)      I heard a heartfelt story from another nun about her childhood; she said she’d not remembered that story until just today, though she’s told it to me many times (sometimes lost memories are a gift – one is then able to remember them again and again?)

7)      Sadly, a couple of my “regulars” looked very out of it today, one in particular seemed so much smaller than last month, in stature and presence/energy

8)      Happily, it was M’s birthday and she had a bright balloon tied to her wheelchair and a special guest visitor whom she was so proud to introduce to me

9)      As always, they so sweetly applauded and asked after my children and when I was coming next time

 

I can’t end before mentioning a certain woman whom I’ve not seen for a while, but I will never forget the first time she came to one of my little concerts.  She came in a little late, in a wheelchair and with an aide, and when the aide introduced her she said nothing, just looked startled and was quite shaky.  However, the aide said that she had performed as an opera singer in her earlier years, and when I began playing Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata a few minutes later, she began singing the melody in a clear, haunting voice.  I have tears streaming down my face now, remembering it.

 

I have a lot of reasons for not wanting to again commit myself to an all-consuming job; surely one of the best ones is that I need to allot a meaningful amount of my time to practicing for performing these monthly piano gigs – for the dear residents’ sake, and for my own. 

 

 

WELLNESS 1-2-3

Most of the important things in life aren’t at all simple, so when something comes along that is, I believe it’s worth sharing.  After I read the article referred to in #2 below a couple days ago, it struck me that daily wellness can be as simple as 1-2-3.  I’d like to offer this simple 1-2-3 plan to you today, to support your wellness journey!

1 – Do ONE Thing at a Time.  We may pride ourselves on our multitasking abilities – and fellow women, I’m talking to you! – but guess what?  Multitasking is a myth!  Studies of our brains in action show that we are capable of focusing on only one cognitive task at a time.  Our attempts to do two things at once are actually about “task switching”, and we’re not nearly as efficient or effective as we think we are.  In a recent Forbes article, Dr. JoAnn Deak states that in the short term, multitasking doubles the amount of time it takes us to complete a task and usually doubles our mistake rate, or worse.  Other research suggests that task switching reduces our productivity by up to 40%.  Not good! 

Clearly there’s a downside to multitasking, but the good news is that there’s such an upside to monotasking!  We perform, feel, and just are so much better when we focus – our eyes, our attention, our time, our energy, our love.  I suggest to my clients that they mindfully “sink in” to whatever they’re doing, for greater effectiveness, efficiency, and most importantly, enjoyment.

 

2 – Walk TWO Minutes of Every Sedentary Hour.  A recent study reported in the NYT Well blog links “gentle walking” for just 2 minutes per hour with a 33% reduction in mortality.  Respondents in this large-scale longitudinal study wore fitness trackers to measure their movement, and the researchers measured death rates 3-4 years later, thereby discovering this strong association.  What better reason to get up from your chair on at least an hourly basis and take a little walk?  You will give your body and your mind a break, and your pause can serve as a transition from one task to the next (in service of goal #1 above!).  Of course, intense exercise provides incremental physiological and psychological benefits, so please continue to include it in your routine as well! 

 

3 – Eat Fruits & Veggies THREE Times a Day.  There’s no better dietary advice than to eat more fruits and vegetables.  I like the simplicity of including produce with every meal – for example, luscious berries at breakfast, a crunchy salad and an apple at lunch, and any one or two of hundreds of veggie possibilities at dinner, whether sautéed, steamed, or even spiralized.  Fruits and vegetables provide a multitude of vitamins, antioxidants, and fiber, and they have been shown to protect against various types of cancer and reduce the risk of heart disease, obesity, and type 2 diabetes.  They are truly the best medicine, and bring color, texture, and delicious flavor to every meal.  Bon appétit!

http://www.forbes.com/sites/nickmorrison/2014/11/26/the-myth-of-multitasking-and-what-it-means-for-learning/

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/05/13/a-2-minute-walk-may-counter-the-harms-of-sitting/

 

What is Real?

I was pulled over by the police this afternoon. Well, not exactly pulled over because I was walking along the sidewalk at the time. More specifically, I was walking home from Kroger on Wasson with two plastic bags holding kale, swiss chard, berries, and a baguette; I’d stopped at the store at the end of a lovely hour-long walk up and down and around my Hyde Park/Oakley neighborhood listening with rapt attention to my current book club book on Audible, the gorgeous And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseini. It had been such a special and happy weekend – my best friend from high school had visited and we’d enjoyed hours & hours catching up, two fabulous downtown dinners, a couple of nice walks, and I’d hosted a very successful party featuring her and the clothing line for which she’s recently become a consultant. I had taken her to the airport earlier in the day and was enjoying my walk before I planned to make myself a quiet dinner at home and get to bed early. That was MY reality. 

However, according to the policeman who suddenly swerved his car in front of me to block oncoming traffic, I fit the description of someone who’d been reported for panhandling in Hyde Park Square:  I was female, 50-ish, 5’ 2” (I’m actually 5’ 6”, thank you very much!), and “wearing dark clothing” – just like approximately two-thirds of the population on any given day. There ensued about 15 minutes of interrogation, the arrival of two more officers in their own cars for a total of three cars and three policemen, and my utter confusion and disbelief, which of course meant that I started to cry.  “Had I been panhandling?” “Did I have a receipt for those groceries?” I answered Yes but then was barked at to not reach into my pocket for it because “I can’t see inside your pocket!” “What’s your Social Security Number? Your birthdate? Your address?” After the second officer went back into his car and confirmed that I was who I was, or at least lived where I said I did – because I didn’t have my wallet with me, just my keys and a little cash for my groceries, and of course my phone and earphones to listen to my story – they told me I was free to go.  Throughout the process, there were also a lot of statements by the officer asking me to confirm (presumably for the record – were we being recorded?) that he had not used profanity with me, that he had not drawn his firearm, that he had not made me get down on the ground, and didn’t I see that they are just doing their job, responding appropriately to a call? That since I “matched the description” and was in the general vicinity of Hyde Park Square, that it was all reasonable and sensible and even right? I just stood there shaking and crying and trying not to put my hands in my pockets or move in some other unacceptable way.

There was really no apology; I was just eventually told that I was free to go. As I walked the rest of the way home with my head down, my mind and heart were flooded with thoughts and feelings.  I felt catapulted into a parallel reality – one that as a privileged white woman I previously had just heard and read and even ranted about. What would it be like to be a young African-American man who is automatically viewed with suspicion and fear, and often treated totally unfairly and much much worse? What would it be like to be his mother or sister? I hated that our world is the way that it is. But I couldn’t really relate. After today I feel I’ve been granted a glimpse into that reality, and I knew I wanted to talk about it with people who care about me, and to write about it. 

Of course all of us are always walking around in our own realities, bumping into others’ realities, and existing in the time and space of our cultural reality, and our abilities to connect our own dots and to truly connect with others drive our happiness and success. For some reason today’s experience also brought to mind The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams. In this beautiful book, the Rabbit asks his friend the Skin Horse, “What is Real?” And the Skin Horse basically says it is about love. Love makes you real, and sometimes it hurts.  He says “It doesn’t happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time.” It is worth it!

Moving Opportunities

My last post was about moving on and this one is too - quite literally since my moving date is January 7th!  In preparation for this big day I've been paring down my belongings and, in the process, realizing that there are many ways to get rid of stuff, each of which is effective in its own way.  Here's what's worked for me so far:

1) Sell it!  Half Price Books is my friend - I've been there a half dozen times to unload books and DVDs and while the cash you get is pretty minimal, it makes me happy to contribute to the amazing collection they offer in their store. If I leave with only one "new" book or movie in my hand, I consider the transaction a great success.

2) Consign it!  This option will work well for all of the Pottery Barn Teen bedroom furniture I bought my boys 10 (!) years ago and I'm happy to be creating a new space for them more suited to their current tastes. Legacies will be my partner for these and a few other furniture transactions and I'll be happy to make a little money and also benefit Cancer Support Community, the beneficiary of Legacies' proceeds.  When it comes to clothing consignment, I'm a big fan of the Snooty Fox as well as the online service Tradesy.com - check them out!

3) Donate it!  I love Goodwill drop offs - this has been best for things that might otherwise be garage sale candidates - kitchen and household items, outgrown toys, linens no longer needed.  I hope they all find new homes and satisfied users soon.

4) Use it up!  I have never liked having lots of extra stuff around, whether that's food in the fridge or pantry or household/cleaning supplies, or cosmetics and personal care stuff. But like most of us I restock or add new goodies well before I need to. So I've enjoyed approaching my pantry shelves and bathroom drawers with the goal of (re)discovery, and this has led to some interesting dinner creations, not to mention variation in my hair and skincare routines!

5) Throw it out!  Of course we all have things for which this is the best option - especially paper... Do I really need to keep my notes from Food and Beverage Cost Control, which I took at Midwest Culinary Institute four years ago?

So how have I been deciding what should stay and what should go?  Well, sometimes it's pretty obvious, as was the case with the aforementioned lecture notes; sometimes it's practical, like simply not having a place for high kitchen stools in the new house; and sometimes it's a little more complicated. My guiding principle comes from Marie Kondo, an expert declutterer and organizer featured  in the New York Times a few months ago (http://tinyurl.com/ofhs9w9).  Ms. Kondo shifts the emphasis from what to discard to what to keep, her simple yet profound decision criterion being, "Does it spark joy?"  I love this - it allows for both physical and emotional factors to drive either keeping or discarding something, which is so much more holistic and personal than "rules" about usage frequency, style quotient, or practicality.  I think that moving provides a great opportunity to consider which possessions really do spark joy whenever you use or merely walk past them, and I've tried to apply her criterion as I make my decisions.  Ms. Kondo also advocates thanking items that you do decide to say goodbye to, and I think this is a fine idea as well. Things you own are there for a reason and even if they don't serve you anymore, it is worth acknowledging your past relationship.

And finally, since today is December 31st, I want to mention my favorite New Year's ritual, which does tie into this whole theme of moving forward mindfully.  It is a More and Less list, which I first came across in Gretchen Rubin's writing about happiness.  You create it by thinking about how you have been spending your time and energy in the recent past, and considering how you might want to modify that for the future, so that you will spend More on certain current or perhaps new things, and Less on others. Candidates for your list can be thoughts, attitudes, or actions, and they can be big or small - anything goes.  When we give ourselves a bit of time to review and evaluate our current time and energy expenditure patterns, I believe that we can all come up with changes that we know deep inside would make our life better - more fulfilling, saner, healthier, happier... better for ourselves and those around us too.  A major advantage of More and Less is that it is about shifts - movements in a positive direction - rather than absolutes.  Another is the explicit inclusion of the Less side of the equation, in order to make space for your Mores.  Many resolutions fail because they are overly ambitious and often discontinuous additions to one's life, without accompanying reductions.

So with these thoughts I wish everyone a Happy New Year full of More mindful decision making, sincere appreciation, health and happiness - and maybe a little Less stuff!

16 Dresses

Tomorrow is the night of the big holiday party at my former employer.  I spent twelve years there but actually attended a total of sixteen holiday celebrations, the first in December 1998 before I even started at the company in January 1999 (that was quite an introduction, as the parties were still pretty wild back then!), the thirteenth in December 2010 when I gave my farewell speech, and the last three when I attended as a still-shareholder, not to mention spouse of the founder.  So, that’s sixteen parties and sixteen dresses.  I was trying to list them and easily came up with vivid memories of ten of them.  Most were not extravagant price-wise, but it was always fun to figure out what to wear and I often purchased the dresses months in advance, ideally while shopping in different cities I happened to be visiting. 

Anyway, the point is that this year I’m not going.  As some of you know, it is a season of transitions for me; my marriage is ending and my younger son started college in Los Angeles.  I will be moving to a new home in January, and I’m in the process of redefining and expanding my work.  

I saw a quote recently that really resonated, from the writer Geoffrey Wolff:  “We change, but always at a cost; to win this you lose that.”  I used it as part of my email signature for a while but then switched it out again because I thought it might be perceived as sort of negative advertising for me, a health and wellness coach who’s pretty much always encouraging positive change for her clients!

But actually, it’s the truth.  The choices we make, our habits and practices, our relationships – all are complicated mixes of costs and benefits that are in total giving us net positive results – physically, intellectually, emotionally, financially, spiritually…  These are complicated calculations, made somewhere along the spectrum of automatic/unconscious to fully mindful/conscious.  And we decide to make a change when for some reason or reasons – initiated externally or internally and out of or in our control – the net result tips negative.  That’s when the desire to change is born, or grows stronger, or overwhelms us.  But it still doesn’t mean that we are 100% certain, or that the situation is suddenly all bad, or that we won’t have doubts or regrets or despair as we move forward.  It’s OK, and appropriate and necessary, to grieve what we’re leaving as we move toward and arrive in a new place. 

My current email signature includes this from Kierkegaard:  “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.”*  I am opening my mind and heart to that dizzy anxiety of freedom while leaning on the friends and family who support me, and maintaining the habits and practices that feed and energize me.  I am trying to be patient and compassionate with myself, and I continue to cherish the privilege of supporting clients and others in my life as they explore and experiment with the important changes in their lives too. 

 

*Thanks to Gretchen Rubin for sharing wonderful inspirations at http://www.gretchenrubin.com/daily-quotes/

Unexpected Vices

On my way to yoga today I was listening to Marketplace Weekend on NPR, and the guest speaker was talking about vices.  Listeners had called in or written to describe their weaknesses for Starbucks, shopping, or reality TV.  No surprises there, but then just as I was pulling into the parking lot, the guest said that she’d concluded that there are two very important vices that we often overlook, but that deserve attention because they are extremely costly – at the individual level and also for the economy as a whole.  The two are Procrastination and Not Asking for Help.  It was one of those public radio sit-in-the-car-and-listen moments for me as I considered her comments.  First the guest quoted some extremely huge dollar amount that is the value of the productivity we lose to Procrastination, and then she used an example of being lost but refusing to ask for directions to illustrate the cost of Not Asking for Help. 

I started thinking about Procrastination and Not Asking for Help in the realm of health and self-care, where I believe there can be both physical and psychological costs associated with these vices… and by the way, I don’t like the moralistic tone of the word “vice” in this context.  As a health coach I’d rather help clients see that these behaviors are less-than-optimal choices for them that cause problems both short- and long-term.  The way we care for ourselves today affects our energy, productivity, and mood today, and affects our ability to stave off disease and avoid chronic conditions tomorrow and beyond, as well.  (For more on this topic, check out the excellent new book, Eat Move Sleep, by Tom Rath).   

The holidays are approaching, and if you’re like me, you’re starting to think about menu planning, travel arrangements, and gift ideas.  And you may be feeling a little stressed, especially if you feel you’re getting a late start due to… Procrastination!  I am definitely behind in terms of setting up the annual ski trip that my college-aged sons & I enjoy over New Year’s.  I am also preparing for a move to a new home in mid-January, though the good news is that I realize that the boys can help me out a lot while they’re here on winter break, making decisions about what to keep and what to sell or give away – I will definitely NOT hesitate to Ask for Help! 

Another aspect of the holidays that causes many people stress is that they worry about eating or drinking too much… They may want to lose weight before the holidays so as to look and feel their best, and they may anticipate either resignedly or unhappily that they are likely to gain weight over the festive period, and then feel crappy as the new year rolls around.  And emotionally, the holidays are often a difficult time of year for people too, because of family issues, loneliness or other social anxieties.  “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” as the Christmas song goes, but sometimes not so much!! 

Given all of this, I’d like to encourage everyone to spend some time considering their important priorities for the holiday season.  Spend time planning for and enjoying those, and “procrastinate” on the others that can wait til later.  Ask for help where you can – it’s my experience that people generally love to be called upon to help others.  And take even better care of yourself than usual, which might include eating more mindfully, making time for yoga, another favorite exercise, or meditation.  You may do some extra wellness-oriented reading, or even consider Asking for Help from a Health Coach such as myself!  There’s no better time to invest in yourself in preparation for the holidays and to set you up for your healthiest and happiest new year ever.  Go to my website at www.FirstDayWellness.com for more information if you so desire, and maybe we can start a conversation about YOU.

 

Reunion Reflections

Today I flew to Newark en route to my 30th Princeton reunion.   On the plane I sat across from a man from the class of '57.  How did I know this?  He was wearing a black and orange blazer with little '57 emblems all over it, and an orange sweater underneath.  I can hardly wait to see what my class's "uniform" for this reunion will be - registration starts in a couple hours so I won't have to wait long!  Here are some of my classmates in our 25th reunion jacket:  

 

So during the flight I read Oprah magazine and the June issue is all about aging.  More than a dozen women aged 13 to 64 provide their reflections on aging, emphasizing the joys of their current age, no matter the number.  An essay by novelist Jane Smiley was particularly enjoyable and thought-provoking for me.  She starts by describing a train ride in the UK where the passengers all appear to be decades younger than she, and while she suspects that they regard her simply as an uninteresting older woman ready to retire, in fact her mind is "full of memories that are as real to me as the present:  I am 64, but also 40, 35, and 26."  (Why she assumes that negative judgment from her co-passengers could be a topic for another post!)

As I fetched my rental car and drove the hour or so to campus, serenaded by the local public radio jazz station, I related directly to Ms. Smiley's reflection, accessing my own memories of Princeton - at 18 and arriving for my freshman year from Fargo, ND; at 21 and graduating triumphantly; in my 40's and traveling to Princeton several times for business (staying at the iconic Nassau Inn and eating much better than I did as a student!); and of course my reunion trips - at 41 for my 20th, at 46 when I brought my sons to my 25th, and now at 51 for my 30th.  And the best part is that the memories don't just stand alone - I have more ability to see them in context, to perceive patterns and derive meaning, to have more compassion for the self that I was at all of those times and that I am now, and to joyfully anticipate reuniting with friends over the next few days.

Ms. Smiley goes on to share that a woman older than she once told her that when she turned 35, her "life would change from a river to a lake, shifting from a constant forward flow to a wider exploration."  I love that image and think that it contains great wisdom.  It made me imagine that the condition of and our experience of our lake might vary depending on our situation and present ability to deal with it.  In hard times it might feel as if our lake is suddenly full of whitecaps and we're struggling to stay afloat.  At other times we may feel that we're treading water doggedly, or perhaps floating or bobbing more lightheartedly, even blissfully.  When we are in a period of exciting transition or progress, it may feel as if we're slalom water skiing, leaning in and creating a gorgeous spray.

We are always connected to our past and anticipating our future, yet of course all we have is the present moment, which slips continually into the past.  We do well when we productively integrate our past and mindfully experience our now, opening and connecting both inwardly and outwardly.  And of course we are not alone - we profoundly affect and are profoundly affected by the people and places and situations around us all the time, too.   Everyone and everything affects our "lake" and vice versa.  Whether I am interacting with family, friends, colleagues, clients, or even people-watching as I've been doing in this funky coffee shop over the past couple of hours, I am awed and humbled to consider each one's uniquely complex history, current consciousness, and potential.  I am grateful for this moment, I am grateful for connection (it's my word for 2014 in fact – for more info, click this Gretchen Rubin link: http://tinyurl.com/jvus59o), and I can't wait to see my old roommates and friends tonight!